Strangers In The Night

September 4, 2009 · 1 comment

I am a cat person. Dogs are OK for certain things, if its my dog. But I just prefer cats. Their poop is small and usually contained in a litter box. They take care of themselves, and they are generally pleasant. Dogs crap big, and crap everywhere. They have to be walked, let outside, let back in, they freak out when they are with you and a stranger comes around (which I suspect is all for show so they can keep their job), but then suck up to strangers when you’re not around. I’ve never had a cat try to hump my leg.

So after my wife and I had been married for about a year, we got a cat. His name was Simba. He was neutered, de-clawed, and I am pretty sure he was metro sexual. He also had a bad habit of getting on the bed at night, and trying to sleep on my pillow, that is, until one fateful night that in retrospect was rather funny. Well, funny for me, but probably traumatizing for him. Anyway, I wrote a poem about it. So without further ado, here it is.

Twas the night before someday
In the middle of the week
My wife slumbered soundly
I was restless in sleep

Married for one year
Already a hex
We suffered from D.I.N.S.
(Dual Income, No Sex)

But on this evening
I felt a soft touch
As her hair fell upon me
I felt a keen rush

Still groggy I fumbled
And pet her long locks
Time to communicate
And I don’t mean talk

The strands of her hair
Led to her face
For a soft gentle kiss
And a loving embrace

Not even the smell
Of her acute halitosis
Could deter my intention
Of lip lock hypnosis

But then as I peered
From my eyes (long since shut)
I saw I was about
To kiss the cat’s butt!!

The hair was not hers
But rather, the cat’s tail
Quickly he hissed
“Hey dude, I’m male.”

I was quite relieved
Because I had feared
The fur I had felt
Was my wife’s beard

Since then the cat
Sleeps somewhere else
It’s not on my pillow
And that’s good for our health

Needless to say, it was a harrowing experience between me and the cat. I can only imagine what his shock would have been if I hadn’t opened my eyes. “Moooooon Riiiiiver!!!!!!!!!” We agreed to “never speak of this again.” Until now.


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