Snow White (Part II)

September 8, 2009

So, picking up where we left off in Snow White (Part I), Snow White is now a temporary resident of Chez Dwarf. And the trouble is about to start.

First there’s dinner. Now these guys have been living on their own for a looooong time without anyone telling them what to do. My guess is that they are pretty much set in their ways. But when they sit down to eat, what does she do? She makes them go wash up. AND THEY DO IT!!!! The movie was a complete loss right there, because after living in East Tennessee for a year, I know the real dialog from a guy who lives in the forest would have been something like this

“Ah, riiiiight. Here’s the deal, I ain’t gonna take no bath just to have a damn bowl of soup. Now lookie here woman, unless you wanna go back outside to live in the forest with your new found critter friends, you’d better put a lock on that pie hole of yours and let me eat. I am tired, I can’t find my porn, I appreciate the soup, but if you weren’t here, I’d a made something myself, so don’t hassle me about washing up. Besides, weren’t you the one taking a nap in the bed of Dopey, “the human wet dream”??? So don’t talk to me about washing up ‘cause believe me, that “Map of France” on Dopey’s mattress has a lot of DNA on it that you’re probably wearing right about now.”

But they wuss out and wash-up. And then, after dinner, they all try to impress her with their musical talents. Now, Snow White would have to be stupid not to know that every one of them has a crush on her, and she ain’t dumb. She knows it, and she exploits it! Most of all, she targets Grumpy. She just can’t stand it that despite the fact that the other 6 dwarfs are all firmly in Camp Snow, smart Grumpy has been keeping his distance. Well she must be a Dwarf Whisperer because by the time they start playing Dwarf Idol, the once sage Grumpy, can now be seen joining the mix by playing one of those old “pump” organs with his butt. That’s right, Grumpy is pumping on an organ with his butt!!! (Nothing ambiguously gay there).

And by the time they go off to work the next morning, it’s clear that Grumpy has drunk the cool-aid. Along with everyone else, Grumpy gets a kiss, he blushes, and I wanna puke. She’s got all of them wrapped around her finger, and why? So she can feel better about herself. Way to go, Walt. Equating a child’s self worth to the number of friends you have your Facebook page is pure genius! (By the way, you can become a fan of The Point Of Q on Facebook now. Or, just become a follower over there on the right. Don’t delay, all the cool kids are doing it!) Of course, a better lesson for Ms. White would have been not to accept edible gifts from strangers, but that apple was just too tempting. She eats it and falls asleep.

Now I don’t know what’s worse. On the one hand we have the Dwarfs who decide to put Snow White in a glass box (instead of burying her). That couldn’t have been a pleasant smell. On the other hand, we have the prince. He rides up and, despite the nastiness of her smell, thinks “What the hell, gotta get me some of that dead action” and kisses Snow White. And to everyone’s amazement, Snow White wakes up!!!!

What happens next, is the true lesson of the story. Here are the dwarfs. Their way of life has been completely changed by this woman to the point that they don’t even know who they are anymore. Even with her death, they stand vigil to protect her in the off chance she may wake up, or that perhaps her DNA may be collected so that each one of them can make a mini Snow White for themselves (come on Stem Cell Research!!). And despite all their efforts of devotion, as soon as this self centered knucklehead wakes up, she leaves them all in her wake and rides off with the cute guy on the White Horse. (Pretty much sums up every girl I dated before I got married). Of course, Prince Necrophilia is just as disappointed, because he only likes dead women.

Way to go Disney. Way . . . To . . .Go!

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