Snow White (Part I)

September 7, 2009

And now another installment of “Disney is the Devil.” I firmly believe that everything that is wrong with society can be traced back to a Disney film. Of course, one of my good friends actually works for the Disney Corporation, and is probably drafting the complaint against me right now. So, before this site gets shut down, let’s put “Snow White” on the chopping block, shall we?

First there is Ms. White herself (nothing racist there) who has a singular goal in life: She is waiting for a Prince to come, and take her to his castle. Way to aim high there, Snow. Way to aim high. Alas, in true Disney fashion, parental figures are yet again thrown under the bus. Dad is nowhere to be found, and Snow White has an evil stepmother, the queen, who wants to have Snow killed because she can’t handle the competition. (This may explain present day MILF’s trying to hit on their daughters’ boyfriends.) She orders “The Hunter” to take Snow to the forest to do the job, but he can’t. Instead he tells Snow, who appears to have little more than Paris Hilton type wilderness survival skills, to run away into the forest, and to never come back. After all, he’s got a rep to protect as a goon. I got news for ya pal, if she died in the woods, you’d still be charged with her murder as an accomplice. But I digress.

Snow runs away, hallucinates that the trees are after her (she’s probably been hitting her stepmother’s Oxycontin stash for years, but that never made it past the cutting room floor in the movie), and winds up outside the house of the Seven Vertically Challenged Men (or “Dwarfs” in Pre-P.C. terms) who are not home. She lets herself in, and here’s where it gets ugly: before even meeting the male occupants of this little abode, Snow White decides it’s her responsibility to start changing the way they live. Despite the fact that they “appeared” to be comfortable with their living conditions, she cleans the place up. And you know that they won’t be able to find crap when they get home. (She probably threw away their collectors addition “Play Dwarf” magazines, and Dopey’s stash of Asian Dwarf Porn, too.) And when she is done, she takes a nap. (More on that in a bit).

Finally the Dwarfs come home, and they immediately suspect a residential burglary has taken place. Cautiously they enter. To their amazement, the place has been cleaned, and dinner is cooking on the stove. With the scene looking eerily like last months feature story in Dwarf Penthouse Forum (long since hidden by Ms. White), they decide to check the bedroom. And there they find a girl in her late teens sleeping in one of their beds. (Bashful immediately needs a towel.)

Now, you know those sheets had to be NASTY!! And it’s not like she could clean them and get them dry before she went to bed, either. Nope, she just hopped right in bed and went to sleep.

So when they find her, Grumpy is the only smart one. He knows she’s trouble, and doesn’t want her to stay. But she begs, makes promises she has no intention of keeping, promises them the moon . . . . and like typical men, they relent and let her stay. And then . . . . . . . . it starts.

(Tune in tomorrow for Part II)

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