Respect the Colon!!

September 14, 2009

Of all the things I have learned in life, one of the most important lessons is this: “Don’t play Chicken with your Colon!!” For those of you who don’t know what a game of “Chicken” is, I will explain. “Chicken” is often portrayed in movies when two people, both of whom are operating a vehicle of some sort like a car, a motorcycle, or a submarine (See “The Hunt For Red October”), decide to aim their respective moving vehicles at one another in an effort to see who will turn first. Obviously, the first person to turn is the “Chicken.”

In the movies, this reckless display of machismo may seem like good fun, especially since there is usually a woman watching the contestants. Once the winner is determined, she then thinks “Wow! He just won a game of Chicken! I wonder what makes him tick? I wonder if he’d like to know what makes me tick?” And a few scenes later the “ticking” inquiry has been resolved.

Now here is the important tip of the day: “This does not work when your opponent is your Colon!” I know you know what I am talking about. It’s that happens when you are, say, studying in the library, and you get that faint feeling that you may need to hit the bathroom. Or maybe you are at work, and that Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast just isn’t playing nice with the rest of the food in your stomach. That’s how the game starts, because you think to yourself “Hmmm, I can hold it for a little while, and use the toilet in the privacy of my own home.” And then your Colon responds “Uh, hey pal. This is the warehouse calling. You’ve been storing up for the last 24 hours, and Overstock.com is rejecting our offers to sell. EBay won’t let us log on, and speaking of “logs” even our posting in the “Free Stuff” section of Craigslist doesn’t work. You’re gonna have to go . . . NOW!”

When you Colon says this to you, your next response is critical. If you say something stupid like “Hey, I am in charge here, and you’ll tough it out until I say its time!” well, you’re in for a fight that will not turn out well for you, my friend. And trust me; there will be no Babe who has viewed this game of Chicken that will want to come anywhere near you.

On the other hand, it is also a good practice to avoid the opposite mistake of saying “Mr. Colon, you’re right, and I will now drop everything and find the nearest commode.” If you do this, your Colon will become more hyper than a Yellow Lab who’s been cooped up inside all day and sees you going for the leash! Trust me; you won’t make it to the door!

It’s best to use the “Lawyer Method.” Simply stand up and while aimlessly walking around think to yourself “Mr. Colon, taking your offer of immediate evacuation under advisement, may I propose a counter offer, of a short delay with a promise to never again eat 5 day old chicken, hamburger, or undercooked eggs. In addition, I will workout on a regular basis until I have achieved a 6-pack set of abs. I will also buy flowers for my wife.” Now here is the key, by making the terms of the counter offer as lengthy as possible, you have now bought yourself time to get to a stall. Maybe it’s long enough to drive home, maybe not, but at least you maintain control. And don’t worry about making good on all those promises, when the Colon goes to demand enforcement, you have a built in technicality. You can just tell him that it was merely a proposed counteroffer that became moot once you hit the can.

Law School Tuition: $120,000
Book and supplies: $10,000
Living Expenses: $45,000
Tricking Your Colon With Effective Negotiation Tactics You Learned In Law School: Priceless.

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