10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage

September 1, 2009 · 1 comment

I’ll admit it, marriage can be difficult. I have come to learn and accept this fact over the years. So, what the heck, I made up a list of what I’ve learned. Some of these things I had to learn through my own experiences, and some I learned as an observer of things my friends told me about. I will not divulge which is which. And with that, can I have a drum roll please . . . . . .

1) Despite the fact that you managed to live autonomously for over a decade prior to marriage (including earning a living, feeding, and bathing all by yourself), within a few years of saying “I Do” you will begin to question whether you are competent enough to boil water.

2) When you finally lay down for a moment of sleep after 72 hours of being awake with a new born, and your wife asks you to go check on the baby because now she CAN’T hear anything, it is never a good idea to say “Look, if he ain’t breathing, we can always make another one.”

3) A romantic evening can be had by leaving a trail of rose petals down the hall, to the bathroom, where a bath has been drawn, complete with candles, a bottle of wine, and two glasses.

4) A romantic evening CANNOT be had by leaving a trail of dirty socks, underwear, pants, and a tee shirt on the way to the tub where you can be found passed out with a can of beer in your hand.

5) Never underestimate your spouse’s ability to find that ten pounds you claim you lost recently. (“Oh, here it is Dear, it was hiding behind your butt!!).

6) Men have to accept the fact that the “act” of having a discussion with your spouse about the lack of sex you two are having is the closest you’re ever going to get to “oral.”

7) You may have heard the suggestion of buying a plant to put in the bedroom with the idea that you will water it every time you and your spouse make love. Obviously, the goal is to not let the plant die. Well, if it’s been more than two months since the two of you were intimate, and the plant is still alive, one of you has some explaining to do. (Unless you were stupid enough to let her pick the plant, and she brought home a cactus.)

8) When discussing who is on your respective “lists” (as in, the list of famous people that you have permission to hook up with even though married), it is never a good idea to include someone you ACTUALLY KNOW, on the list. Especially if its one of your spouse’s friends or her sister!!

9) Unlike the first year of marriage, the phrase “Stop, Drop, and Roll” is now only applicable when you’ve accidentally caught yourself on fire. (Especially if you have kids!)

10) As the two of you lay in bed, the best way to break it to your wife that you may have left an SBD (AKA: Silent But Deadly) under the sheets is to simply stare up and ask “Hey, do you think I can hit the ceiling with my spit?” and then act like you’re about to hock a loogie. When she ducks for cover under the sheets, she’ll know.

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