Women’s Beauty Products

August 28, 2009

A little over 10 years ago I had a roommate who was getting married. Being a finance guy, he was adamant that he and his fiancé establish an operating budget before they finalized their “merger.” (My guess is that on their honeymoon there was a lot of renegotiating and multiple mergers, but that’s a different story.) And they decided to have this conversation in the living room of our house. I was also there, studying for the bar exam. Maybe that was a mistake, and maybe not. You decide.

The first fecal oriented attack on the fan started when he laid out his idea of a budget, and she saw that he had allocated $50 a month for “Beauty Treatment and Supplies.” Now when it comes to women, I am pretty much as dumb as a post. But when I heard her say “$50 a month?!?!?!?” I knew it was time to flip to the “dissolution of marriage” section of my bar review course.

She continued “Do you know how much it costs just to get my hair done?”

As I said, I don’t know much about women, but three years of legal training had taught me that based on her tone of voice and wording of the question, there was no right answer to that question, and he was dead meat! Guess too low, and she thinks he’s out of touch with reality. Guess right on, (or heaven forbid, too high), and he is just being insensitive to her needs by suggesting such a low amount in the budget. I should have told him to keep his mouth shut, but I didn’t want to get in trouble for practicing law without a license. Besides after 6 months of hearing countless stories about how “we are perfect for each other and we never argue” blah blah blah, I knew this was going to be good entertainment, and it was free.

“Uh, I don’t know much it costs, maybe 20 bucks?” (Cue the tears, cue “The Price is Right” loser music, and hand the man a shovel for the hole he is digging.)

“$20?!?!?!? Try $200! That’s right I said $200” (Roll loser music, decrease blood supply to man’s head so he’ll say something even more stupid.)

“$200 for that?!?! How often to you get your hair cut? (Oh, great, he just admitted he doesn’t know the difference between a “hair cut” and getting your hair “done.” Most men don’t, and we step into it every time!)

“First, it’s more than just a “hair cut,” I have highlights, extensions, trims, all sorts of things. And I go about once every three weeks! What, you don’t like it? I only do it so that I can look good for you, honey!”

Now I admire people who “save themselves” for marriage. After all, abstinence is still the most effective method for both birth control and the prevention of the spread of STD’s. So it was with a great deal of agony that I sat by and watched as he embarked on a path that would most assuredly lead to a life of post marital celibacy. Up until now, he had dug himself into a nice little hole and hit rock bottom. Then he decided to blast.

“Look, I appreciate that you do that for me, and it worked because you won me over. But after we get married, it won’t be a “necessity” anymore. You can go to Super Cuts.”

(“Mission control, this Gonad One. Confirming he said what we think he just said . . . Over.” “Gonad One, this is Mission Control, that’s affirmative . . . Over.” “Yeah, Mission Control, confirm power down of reproductive plant for 10 years . . . over” “Gonad One, commence power down.”)

I think my roommate knew something was amiss with his ability to logically process this encounter when he saw me get up from the table and slowly tip toe away. Cheap entertainment or not, I couldn’t sit there and watch the carnage anymore. So it was to my complete and utter shock when SHE said “Wait, don’t go anywhere! What do you think?” In the midst of all this, she wanted The Point of Q. So as I sat there pondering what kind of mine field I was getting myself in to, my mouth just started talking on its own. (I hate it when it does that!)

Turning to her, I said, “You know, I think it really depends on how you define ‘necessity.’ I know you think that spending $200 every three weeks to get your hair done is a ‘necessity,’ but I would also imagine that, oh lets say the members of the Donner Party, might disagree with you on that point. I am fairly certain that when they were out there freezing to death in the Sierra Nevada Mountains and deciding whether to spend their remaining money on food, the women weren’t saying ‘but I have to get my hair done, too. Besides we can always eat Timmy.’”

Turning to him, I said, “On the other hand, dude, if you keep this up, you’re gonna end up spending $200 every three weeks one way or another. Either it’s going to be on her hair, or it’s going to be spent on outsourcing her conjugal responsibilities, ‘cause as it stands right now, you ain’t getting any for a loooooong time!” (I was able to say this in front of her because I was pretty confident that she didn’t understand the phrase “outsourcing her conjugal responsibilities,” anyway.)

You’ll be happy to know that he followed my advice. She got the requested beauty funds, remained “hot,” and they have children. See, the Point of Q saves relationships.

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