Baseball or Golf?

August 30, 2009

I love baseball, but I really don’t like it as a metaphor for relationships. How did this start, anyway?

“How’d your date go last night?”
“Ah, I got to first base, that’s it.”
“Dude, stick with it, you’ll score soon enough.”

I am pretty certain I know what it means to “score”, but what does first, second, or third base mean, anyway? I am very familiar with striking out. I did that often. In fact, most of the time, the only reason I ever got on base was when the pitcher lost control and walked me. (Note: Candy is Dandy, but liquor is quicker.) I was never a starter. I was more of a bench guy. For the most part, the only time I ever actually got to bat was when a runner who was already on base needed to be moved over.

“Q!! Get out there and lay down a bunt. Move Johnson into scoring position!”
“Uh, OK Coach!”

And out I’d go, stepping up to the plate thinking “See the ball, hit the ball, just catch the ball with your bat.” Here comes the pitch, perfect bunt, Johnson moves to second, and I’m out at first. And then comes the lonely trot back to the dugout, holding on to my own wood. Of course, I had warning track power, but in the end it was just a glorified out.

Now I wasn’t completely out of the game, I mean, every once in a while they’d decide to throw out the lead runner, and I’d wind up on first with one out. But I usually found a way to mess things up, get caught stealing second, fall prey to a pick off move, you name it. (Note: I am pretty sure you can be prosecuted for stealing second, too. Basically, when it comes to relationships, an unearned run usually will require you to register for life.)

As far as relationships go, I think Golf is a much better metaphor. Men would do so much better if they knew how many strokes it was going to take to make par with a woman.

“Dude, she’s a Par 5 with a double dog leg to the left. And don’t be fooled by the closely trimmed fairway. It may be pretty narrow, but one wrong hit and your in the rough. If you don’t have a machete, you’ll never find your way out of there. I’d just runaway now!!!!”

Or the opposite could be true, too.

“What we have here is a 90 yard par 3, no water, no hazards, and the hole is dead center. Every birdies this one!”

Now that is useful information.

In addition to par, there should also be a ranking for how difficult the hole plays. A par 5 might look daunting, but if it’s playing as the second easiest hole on the course, you may want to give it a shot.

OK, look, all I am saying is it just seems that golf is a better metaphor for dating and/or relationships than baseball. Think about it, a round of golf is 18 holes. So if you’re single, and still playing a round a month, that’s not too bad. Even a half a round a month isn’t bad. And besides, you can still claim 18 if you play the back 9, too.

But for the married guys, it’s probably best to stick with the baseball analogy. I don’t know too many wives who’d sign off on ever playing “a round” (or “around” as the case may be). That is, unless you’re a polygamist.


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