Below the Belt!

July 31, 2009

I am a proud father of two children! Kids are great, but the measures they employ to ensure that they don’t have any siblings are amazingly brutal for Dads. What is it with kids and their incessant need to pummel a man’s groin? I wish I could chalk it up to some kind of gravitational explanation, but who am I kidding?

I remember when my daughter learned to walk. That girl could lose her balance on one side of the room, and stumble her way to where I was standing just to head butt “Gino and the Twins.” And you women don’t get it either. You just think it’s sooooo funny to see a guy doubled over in pain when he gets nailed below the belt. But you probably see it as payback for the first time you had sex, so I’ll give you that one.

Just know this, it doesn’t take much contact to bring us to our knees, either. Sometimes it hurts worse when a guy just gets “nicked” because the pain is delayed, and then it comes in waves. Here is the breakdown of the sequence of events (Disclaimer: What you are about to read is to be used merely for informational purposes only, and not for planning your next attack. Under no circumstances should this information be given to children, as misuse will inevitably occur). When a guy gets, shall we say, “winged in the tulips” (anybody up for gardening?), initially there is no pain, but only shock. It’s kind of like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when the guy pulls out the kids heart and shows it to him while its still beating. The kid is still alive, but he has this look on his face like “Oh Sh**! That’s just not right!” Well that’s the same reaction a man has immediately after impact! Then we wait for that all too familiar dull “I-think-I-am-gonna-crap-my-pants-now” feeling that follows, and lingers, and generally makes us want to curl up and die.

Now guys, as with all things, there are remote opportunities when you can turn such a tragedy to your advantage with a little careful planning. See, on rare occasions your significant other, who has witnessed the attempted slaughter of your manhood, may NOT laugh, but instead, she surprises you and runs to your aid. Do not squander this golden opportunity!!!! Its really easy to shoo her away, and attempt to agonize all by yourself. That would be a mistake. What you SHOULD do at that point is look at her with that genuine pathetic look, and try like hell to convince her that if you don’t expel the damaged fluid currently building up in the next 10 minutes, the pain will last for months, and may even leave you sterile!! With any luck, you’ll be gardening in no time.

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